I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
