this just has baby written all over it
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
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