nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
This gyro tastes like lonliness
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
