Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
