And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
