Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
