You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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