so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
