I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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