I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
