I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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