rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Randomize
