I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
