She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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