So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I am in a vortex of obligation.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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