I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
