so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize