i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
