Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Acid is not a monday night drug
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
