So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
