i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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