Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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