I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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