The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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