vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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