this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Randomize
