Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
