Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
