UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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