Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
