I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
