I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so that wasnt chicken after all
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
