We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
