Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
we're making bets on your personal life
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
