Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
