Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
