So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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