Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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