sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
