what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize