I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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