we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
