i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
