the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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