history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
