I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I touched a dick in church today
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
