he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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