I think I died a long time ago.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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