Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
