She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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