True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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