I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
