I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize