I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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