Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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