The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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