chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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