ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
