I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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