My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
