Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
